As these profiles appear to be settling into the routine of elder statesman followed by loose cannon, who better to follow Dave Whisker than one of his first Colts products, Mark Leslie Patrick Bird.

A gangly human being with a torso that appears to have been assembled upside down, on the basis that his hips are significantly wider than his shoulders, Birdy joined us at the age of 13 after being given a free-transfer by Steve Lugg at Chadwell Heath.

After graduating from a Colts side featuring Ryan & Michael Winsley, Kurt Whisker & O'Neill McDowell, Birdy has bestridden the 2s and 3s top order like a hyperactive colossus since his debut in 2000. Initially as Mark made his way into the senior sides, he was notable in a club of few drivers as he owned a car, his lemon yellow Largo (which spurned one of his many nicknames) defying the laws of time and the MOT test by ferrying players to and from games for several years longer than it was strictly safe to do so.

Birdy was a popular, if slightly eccentric, 2nd team captain in 2011, when he had his best personal season, scoring 300 league runs at 27 leading a youthful 2nd XI plus veterans Friend and Livett to a creditable 4th place in Division One of the Lords league behind Scintilla & Leyton County 1’s, narrowly missing out to M&B as the top 2nd XI in the Lords pyramid largely because we were washed out in a dominant position in the first derby game of that season in what became known as the 'Albert game'.

Like all the best players, Birdy’s game has evolved with time and early on in his career Mark took advantage of his long stride by taking a couple of steps towards the ball as the bowler delivered, getting his front pad about 12 feet down the pitch with the aim of getting something in the way of anything straight or leg side and feasting on any offside width or fullness of length with an open blade built for carving the ball anywhere between gully and (with plenty of bottom hand) mid-off.

Over the years however, whilst Mark has stuck with the two trigger steps, he now takes a large initial stride towards square leg, followed by a step back towards the stumps as the bowler delivers, a step which shortens as the speed of the bowler ramps up. This has the effect of opening up his favoured off-side for his strokeplay, but it also ensures that nothing is still at the time of delivery, adding another level of difficulty to his run-making, which at least provides a fresh challenge as he moves into his 30’s.

Opposition slip fielders have been known to pass comment on Birdy’s method (worst tekkers ever..) but over 5,000 runs later, featuring 23 fifties and a couple of tons, the Birdman is still going strong and his love for the game and enthusiasm and energy in the field remains undiminished. His bowling is slightly constrained by a run up and delivery that come from the Fatima Whitbread school of projectile delivery, but amongst his 51 wickets for the club lurks a 5 wicket haul at Brookweald and he is always an entertaining bowling option in friendly cricket, if infrequently used when league points are on the line.

Always a slightly sickly child, Mark is the only Goresbrook player to have broken his leg jumping over the wicket between overs and he is also believed to be the only player to have had dead skin on his legs eaten by fish as part of a treatment designed to cure his psoriasis, although admittedly this is not something that many players openly discuss.

Batting

Bowling

Fielding

97 catches
1 stumping

Name: Mark Bird
Tekkers: RH bat, right-arm javelin style slow medium
GCC Number: 131
Nicknames Birdy, Weed, Largo, Village, Hound, Beefy (work nickname due to his Bothamesque cricketing exploits)
Age: 31
Job: Barristers Clerk
Hobbies: Cricket, Football, Watching Spurs, Golf

QUICKFIRE

Favourite Football Team: Spurs
Favourite Music: DMAs, Oasis, Stone Roses
Favourite Movie: Spike Island
Favourite TV Show: The Wire, Prison Break
Favourite Holiday Destination: Australia
Favourite Meal: Steak & Chips
Favourite Drink: Kronenberg 1664
Who would play you in the film of your life: Tom hardy - told I look like him

GORESBROOK

When did you make your Goresbrook debut? 2001. Wow. (Actually 23 September 2000)

Describe your Goresbrook career in 10 words or less. Enjoyable, best thing about the Summer playing cricket and drinking with my mates (13 words there from the weed who, as ever, laughs in the face of rules…)

Who is your favourite GCC Teammate (current or retired) & why? Joe Curley, we are peas in a pod, always up to no good! (Spurs fwends)

Most memorable game(s)? Versus May & Baker when the umpire Albert got locked (accidently) in the changing room

Which GCC player do you hate facing in the nets? Skippy Joe Barwick (This is understandable given the lack of pace to work with. However surely the point of a nickname is that you just say ‘Skippy’ or ‘Joe Barwick’, otherwise we’d be referring to Mark as Birdy Mark Bird)

What’s the best thing about Goresbrook CC? The banter with the lads going on tour to South Africa, Australia, Isle of Wight & Yorkshire (on the South African tour, that banter included Bridge singing ‘they call him Birdy, Birdy’ to the ‘Flipper’ theme tune for 2 ½ weeks. Great days.)

CRICKET

What other clubs/XI's have you played for? Goodmayes & Blythswood, Upminster, Payne Hicks Beach (this may sound like an Australian surf club side, but is in fact a firm of solicitors), London Zoo (this is exactly what it sounds like – see final question for more details), 2 Hare Court (a barristers chambers), Alberton (Australia), Westerners (Australia)

All-time cricketing hero? Andrew Flintoff

Favourite cricket ground & why? Adelaide Oval which is very picturesque or Newlands for the same reason

Describe the best catch you have ever taken? Against Goodmayes and Blythswood Dave Whisker bowled a long hop and a geezer smashed it, it was probably going for 6 and I dived full stretch to my left to catch it to everyone’s amazement! (NB: Dave disputes that he ever bowled a long hop & claims it was a length ball that lifted a bit as it caught Preston’s ridge)

Best player played against? Ryan Eagleson of Carrickfergus CC (ex Ireland international)

MISCELLANEOUS

Best sporting achievement outside cricket? Getting my first Par on the golf course (having seen the hound swing a club, his second is years away)

Where would you live if money was no object? Sydney, Australia

What would you rescue first if your house was on fire? My New Balance Cricket Bat

Give us a sporting tip for 2017? Spurs win the League (I assume he means Europa League)

Tell us something about yourself that nobody at Goresbrook knows? I lived in London Zoo till the age of 3 before moving to Dagenham! (Birdy’s legendary old man Les was a zoo-keeper for some years, which led to Mark and his brother, Greed Luke Bird, being invited to play for London Zoo in an annual fixture)